*note: rotate phone. best viewed

in a web browser.

 

THE BIG ARTICLE THIS MONTH:

"HOW TO LIVE FOREVER AND HAVE FUN DOING IT"

a transmission from the All-Seer

 

​

 

“I'll tell you what you missed when the ocean met the sky.  You missed when time and lie shook hands and said goodbye.  You missed when the earth folded in on itself and said, 'Good luck!.' ”  - Dann Gallucci, Eric Judy, Isaac Brock

 

Sc-fi novels will have you believe the universe can be saved.  So many stories focus on a hero racing to and from star systems to keep the bad guy from deploying a device that will end life as we know it.  But it must be stressed these tales are more fiction than science.  In truth, the battle to save the universe was lost long ago.  There is nothing we can do to prevent the stars from running out of gas, or the planets from depleting their tectonic energy, or the galaxies from collapsing under their own gravitational weight.  A villain’s evil plan to destroy the universe is redundant because everything is already on its way out.  We are late to the party and the beer is all gone.

 

​

 

As we sink deeper into the mire of existential dread, each orbit around the sun pushing you deeper into inescapable muck, the most natural thing in the world is to daydream about how one could hypothetically live forever.  We complicate science with more intricate calculations and experiments, to try to prove that light can go backwards in time, maybe, or that worm holes can transport you to a different dimension, perhaps, with the hope of showing that mortality is just a theory and not a fact. More powerful, energy-guzzling machines are built to calculate denser equations on quantum levels to find some way, any way, to prolong consciousness beyond a mere life expectancy of 77.28 years.

 

​

 

1.  A really healthy smoothie.  Gather raw, vegan, 100% organic ingredients and blend a smoothie that will extend your life beyond the great infinity.  I’m talking kale, chard, parsley, fennel, and Siberian chaga mixed with probi- otic coconut yogurt and topped with cayenne turmeric.  A healthy smoothie can do wonders in preventing a forever sleep in eternal damnation.

 

​

A nanobot restoring a dying cell.

 

2. Nanobot Cell Regeneration: this strategy is seen as rudimentary (and it has several glaring issues), but can still be useful in the shortterm.  The idea is that as a body’s cell breaks down, a nanbot only a few atoms in size will perform maintenance and restore the cell to tiptop shape.  There are roughly 100 billion cells in a body, so it would require 100 billion nanobots to surveil each cell and address any tissue issues that crop up.  Obviously this can extend life in the short term, but after a long enough period of time (say, 5 billion years), the nanobots will decay and then you will need nanobots to repair the nanobots.  Eventually those second-tier nanobots will need third-tier nanobots to repair them, etc., rinse-and-repeat until all the matter in the universe is consumed by this convoluted nanobot repair system.  So you may be able to squeeze out a solid 5-10 billion year lifespan from this method, but it does not qualify as “living     forever,” especially since it does not address the entropy problem.

 

​

A brain thinking very quickly.

 

3.  Speed Up The Rate of Thinking:  Do you remember how slowly time moved when you were a kid?  An hour felt like forever, and a year was incomprehensible.  But now you’re an adult, and an hour goes   by in the blink of an eye, and you cut through the years like a hot knife through butter.  This is because you are old now, and your brain has slowed down. Your neurons no longer fire off a trillion messages per second…it’s more like 1/10th of that now.  If you are able to speed up your neurons, and get back to that trillion messages per second mark, then the hours would again feel like forever. And  if you kept speeding up your neurons, to 2 trillion or 10 trillion or 100 trillion messages per second, then an hour would come to feel like forever times infinity.  We will call a being that operates at such a speed a “Superintelligence.”  No need to be afraid of the end of time if the remaining time can be in- finitely stretched in the mind of a Superintelligence.  However, something to chew on with this longevity strategy: if a Superintelligence grows without limit and speeds its thought processes to the speed of light, then you will create a lot of heat that will need to dissipate.  If you aren’t careful, your brain will literally melt out from your ears.

 

​

A sand dollar (or any matter) can be used to store information.  Fundamental particles have quantum properties such as charge, spin, mass and momentum.  These properties can convey deeper meaning if arranged purposefully, like the letters of the alphabet.  This information is conserved until the particle interacts with another particle and decays.

 

4. Universal Matter Manipulation: As time goes on, a Superintelligent being can gain more and more control over a less and less resourceful universe.  For example, as a Superintelligence’s brain grows, it may begin to store neuronic information within the atomic structures of asteroids, the way humans can store mp3s on compact discs.  A Superintelligence could continue to record its thoughts in every mote of matter until all of nature is essentially “technologized,” and the distinction between what is natural and what is artificial disappears.3  This would allow an intelligence to extend its conscious life until the very end of time.

 

​

A downward dog.

 

5.  Yoga: do one downward dog a day and you might be able to solve the mortality problem.  Hey, it doesn’t hurt to try!

 

Well, that’s about all I’ve got for now.  Thanks for reading this month’s issue, and stay tuned for the next one.  I hope between now and then you will unlock the secret to immortality.  Namaste!

 

     Sincerely,

     Dr. Intelligent, The Last All-Seer

 

​

the porno adventure

 

When you think about stuff, it may feel as if you are jumping from one clever idea to another, but really the circuitry of your brain is just beating around the bush until you reach the forbidden final destination of  human imagination:  picturing other human beings stark naked, without any clothes on at all.

 

​

 

This is why I created a cutting edge interactive video experience I call the

"PORNO ADVENTURE."

 

While on the PORNO ADVENTURE, your friendly Guide will escort you through a maze of mysterious hallways on a search for pornographic material.  But be careful!  Not all pathways lead to a sensuous prize--you may in fact discover yourself face-to-face with the Demonking himself!

 

​

​

 

While not exactly NSFW, there may be some quick moments of brief artistic nudity depending on how well your porno adventure goes.  What are you waiting for, check it out now!

 

WARNING:  STEREOGRAPHIC CONTENT!!!

 

It seems counterintuitive that the universe is expanding at an increasing speed--shouldn’t it be slowing down as cosmic energy gets used up?

 

One way to explain the universe’s simultaneous expansion and collapse is to view its existence through a stereographic projection:

 

​

 

The sphere represents the path of the true “unobservable” universe in which we live.  The universe cannot be observed directly because it is at least one spatial dimension higher than what our brain will let us compute.

 

The plane which bisects the sphere represents the "observable" universe--what we see when we look up at the sky at night.

 

Let “N” denote the singularity toward which our universe is collapsing.  And "P" represents our position on the sphere.  From P, we can see out onto the plane to point s(P).  As P moves north towards N, we are sucked toward the singularity but our straight line of vision extends further out onto the plane.

 

The moment right before P and N combine, the plane of the observable universe will expand exponentially and be nearly infinite.